Overcoming Shame

Shame is a pervasive sense of inadequacy and worthlessness that can stem from our childhood, cultural, familial influences and the messages we receive from this. This article explores the concept of shame, its roots in cultures and communities, and its detrimental effects on an individual's self-worth.

Firstly, let’s understand more about shame and guilt. Guilt and shame are both powerful emotional experiences that influence our self-perception and behaviour, but they differ in their focus and impact. Guilt arises when we believe we have done something wrong, leading to feelings of remorse and a desire to make amends. It can motivate us to change or rectify our mistakes. 

In contrast, shame is a more pervasive and internalised feeling that affects our sense of self-worth; it occurs when we perceive ourselves as fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Shame makes us feel as though we are bad or a failure at our core, which can lead to feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem. 

If we experience enough shame during our childhood, or the feeling becomes so strong, it can form the core of our being from a young age, which we take with us through to adulthood. It can often be the underlying reasons for why we act, think or feel the way we do.

Shame has a profound impact on an individual's sense of self and self-worth. Those who experience shame often struggle with feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and self-loathing. This can manifest in various ways such as low self-esteem, perfectionism self-sabotage and mental health issues.

While guilt can be a constructive force driving personal growth and betterment, shame tends to be more dangerous and destructive; undermining our self-esteem and preventing us from being the best we can. To quote Brené Brown who sums the distinction up well, she writes "Guilt says: 'I made a mistake.' Shame says: 'I am a mistake.'"

Sources of shame 

Shame is a complex emotion that can originate from both external influences and internal factors. Internal influences come from within us and can be our own personal standards and beliefs (perhaps passed on from parents or caregivers), self-criticism or previous experiences and trauma. 

External influences would include elements such as social or societal norms/expectations or criticism, judgment or humiliation from others. This can come from parents, friends and teachers. 

Cultural and familial shame 

Many cultures and families have norms, values and expectations that can contribute to the development of shame. 

Shame can be passed down through generations, becoming ingrained in a family as a way of life. Parents who have internalised shame often unintentionally transmit these feelings to their children through their words, actions and expectations. 

Parents or caregivers can also use shame as a deterrent to discipline children into a particular way of thinking or behaving based on their own beliefs. These can range from looking a certain way to acting in a “respectable manner” or denying oneself due to fears of what others will say. The “others” are often extended or distant family members, family friends, even neighbours and community members such as priests, teachers or family doctors. 

Examples of this include honour cultures in which honour and reputation are everything and can result in severe shame or even violence such as honour killings, as well as religious shame and racial/ethnic discrimination. This creates cycles of unconscious behaviour in families and communities which can go unquestioned for generations until finally it is called into question and the meaning or belief behind it scrutinised. 

This kind of shame is more prevalent in eastern countries such as China, Japan, India and the middle East, to name a few, where family and community honour is a key driver. 

Everyday sayings such as: "برو ریزی"  “Āberū rīzī” in Farsi (Persian) translates to "Spilling one's honour” – or 

"丢脸"  - “Diū liǎn” in Mandarin which means to "lose face/be embarrassed” – 

Or my Indian favourite “लोग क्या कहेंगे”- “logh kya kahenge?” in Hindi translates to “what will people say?” 

Who are these people, and why do we care so much about their views? These are good questions, often asked by those who have been threatened with the fear of shame across the world for years.  Thankfully, the cultural shift towards self-prioritisation, authenticity and happiness is overcoming and conquering our battles against shame and the invisible prison it has kept us in for so long.

Overcoming Shame

Overcoming shame can be a difficult but essential process for improving mental health and wellbeing. Working with a therapist can provide a safe space to explore and address the roots of shame, and challenge negative beliefs. Therapists can help individuals develop healthier self-concepts and build healthy, supportive relationships which provide validation and encouragement. Alongside this developing self-compassion, patience and kindness is important. 

Shame is a destructive force that can originate from cultural and community influences, become ingrained in families, and profoundly impact an individual's self-worth and mental health. By understanding the sources and effects of shame, we can take steps to overcome it. Through therapy, self-compassion, supportive relationships and cultural change, it is possible to break the cycle of shame and build a healthier relationship with ourselves and others.