Understanding Self-Sabotage and why we do it

Self-sabotage often originates from a protective mechanism we developed in childhood. Back then, certain behaviours helped us gain attention, connect, or shield ourselves from pain. But as adults, these same patterns can hinder us by amplifying fears, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. They can block our ability to embrace peace, joy, and self-acceptance. If you find yourself struggling with willpower, trust, or confidence, take a moment to reflect on which areas of your life this is most evident.

Self-sabotage manifests in various ways: procrastination, negative self-talk, or behaviours that hold us back in relationships, careers, or personal growth. The key isn’t to ignore these patterns but to lean into them. By observing our thoughts and behaviours without judgment, we can uncover underlying fears and unmet needs. This process requires compassion and patience.

Start by identifying recurring patterns. Are you stuck in unhealthy relationships or unable to advance in your career? Ask yourself, “What part of me feels unworthy? What am I afraid of?” Trace these feelings back to their origin, perhaps moments in childhood where you felt inadequate or rejected. Allow yourself to feel and release the emotions tied to those experiences, whether it’s sadness, shame, or guilt. Journaling or working with a therapist can be especially helpful during this process.

Once you’ve acknowledged these emotions, begin to care for the part of you that carries them. This could be your Inner Child—a younger version of yourself who needs reassurance, love, and validation. By nurturing this part of you, you start to build self-trust and confidence. For example, if you sabotage relationships, it might stem from a fear of abandonment rooted in past experiences. Or if you hesitate to pursue career opportunities, it could be due to a fear of inadequacy shaped by early comparisons or criticisms. Recognising these connections is the first step towards breaking free from the cycle.

Transformation requires replacing self-sabotaging habits with empowering ones. When faced with doubt or fear, pause and ask yourself, “What can I do to support myself in this moment?” With practice, you’ll find it easier to challenge limiting beliefs, take action, and create the outcomes you desire.

Self-sabotage isn’t a life sentence. By understanding its roots and treating yourself with kindness, you can turn these behaviours into opportunities for growth and self-awareness. The journey isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. Through small, consistent steps, you can move towards greater self-acceptance, fulfilment, and success.