Understanding Core Beliefs & Patterns For Future Change

Many of my clients reach out for support as that they find themselves repeating patterns or cycles of behaviours that they wish to change but are unable to do so. They have tried self-help books, online courses and other therapies; mainstream and alternative. Ultimately, they are unable to make the changes they want for themselves and cannot understand why. This article aims to explore the reasons why, and the benefit of deeper self-exploration. 

An individual may find themselves seeking similar or past behaviours, making decisions that lead to familiar outcomes, all the while experiencing recurring emotional pain. These patterns, though often seemingly helpless and uncoincidental, are not accidental. They stem from rooted psychological processes that have shaped behaviours and relationships, with good intentions of keeping us alive and safe. Which is why, any attempted changes are often unsuccessful as the reality is that they are only surface level changes – and a deeper exploration is required. 

Our brains are wired to seek patterns and predictability, as part of our need to survive and adapt. Even painful experiences can feel familiar and strangely safe because they are known, and the more we experience them, the more familiar they become. This is especially true for our childhood experiences, particularly as we are still learning about ourselves and others. At a young age we have no choice but to live through these experiences which can normalise our feelings and behaviours to them. This preference for familiarity often creates a "comfort zone" of dysfunction. As Dr. Bruce Perry, a leading expert in trauma and neuroscience, explains, "the brain's primary job is to keep us alive, and it does that by prioritising the familiar, even if the familiar is painful." Unconsciously recreating emotional wounds which reinforce beliefs and behaviours, can be an attempt to replay a situation because it feels familiar. As a result, a person finds themselves enmeshed with this all-too-familiar dynamic and despite their best efforts, unable to untangle from it. If it feels safe and familiar, which is what the mind and body craves, understandably is it hard to separate from it. 

Early childhood experiences shape how we view ourselves and others, creating unconscious blueprints for beliefs, behaviours and relationships. For example, maybe a man grew up with an overbearing and controlling mother, and despite how hard he worked he never won her approval and so never felt good enough. He may seek out a female partner with similar traits as that dynamic feels familiar to him. As Family therapist Virginia Satir observed, "we can learn to grow beyond our families' limitations, but first, we have to recognise their presence within us." This conditioning often creates deeply ingrained beliefs which play a significant role in these cycles. The brain, in its quest for consistency, reinforces existing views, even if they are untrue or outdated. This is why people seek external validation; so they can unconsciously validate their internal narratives, perpetuating cycles of unconscious beliefs and behaviour. Unbeknownst to them, their unconscious behaviours are exactly what is driving them to that very behaviour or pattern. According to renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel, "we are drawn to the familiar not because it is good for us, but because it is familiar. In our attempts to heal, we often re-enact what hurt us."

Many are not consciously unaware of the patterns driving their behaviours, or do not wish to sit with the pain of a childhood experience; the pain is too great to bear. As result they may go on to form defence and/or coping mechanisms. Without conscious recognition of these patterns, it is easy to repeat behaviours and relational dynamics that mirror past experiences. As Carl Jung famously noted, "until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." Once we make a belief or behaviour conscious and hold awareness so we can understand it better, then we can decide if we wish to change it or not. The key to healing is understanding the root cause, the emotions we feel and how it impacts us. 

Breaking free from these cycles requires awareness, understanding and self-compassion. The first step is recognising the patterns and their origins, and also developing new beliefs and behaviours to create healthier patterns. Self-reflection or working with a therapist can uncover the unconscious beliefs and behaviours driving these cycles, as well as finding tools and techniques which work just for you. Healing requires learning to support yourself with patience, kindness and care. As renowned researcher Dr. Brené Brown says, "owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do."