How Self Validation is the Key to Happiness

Self-rejection and self-abandonment often stem from neglecting or invalidating our emotional needs, a pattern that typically begins in childhood. Everything we do is driven by an innate need to survive, to feel safe, and to be alive. As children, we look to our parents and caregivers to help us meet these needs, and emotionally, we crave affection, approval, and the desire to be liked.

We quickly learn what our parents approve of and adapt our behaviour to gain their acceptance. The fear of disappointing them becomes a powerful motivator, driving us to constantly seek their approval. However, this desire for approval can lead to self-rejection—deeply internalised beliefs that we are unworthy of love, success, or happiness. We begin to reject our own desires and emotions, deeming them invalid and unworthy of expression.

Self-abandonment involves neglecting our own emotional and physical needs in favour of gaining approval from others. This often happens when we suppress emotions or behavior to avoid disapproval from our parents, who may not have been able to meet those emotional needs themselves. For example, when a child cries and is met with disapproval, they may learn to suppress their sadness to avoid upsetting their parent. Over time, this pattern becomes ingrained, and we internalise the belief that to gain approval, we must abandon our true feelings and needs.

In adulthood, these behaviours can evolve into survival mechanisms. We may fear rejection or abandonment from others, so we start rejecting ourselves first to protect against the pain of being hurt. We may believe that prioritising others' needs over our own will bring us acceptance, but as Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, explains, "we can’t truly offer kindness or love to others unless we first give it to ourselves." While it’s natural to seek our parents' approval, it’s important to understand the nature of that approval. Was it truly meeting a healthy emotional need, or was it rooted in disapproval that diminished how we felt about ourselves? Without setting boundaries, these patterns can continue into adulthood, leading to resentment and a loss of identity.

Self-rejection may feel like avoiding criticism, while self-abandonment might look like self-sacrifice for others' approval. However, these behaviours mask deeper issues that resurface in other ways. As Dr. John K. Pollard points out, these patterns "are a way of protecting ourselves from feeling vulnerable, but they create a greater emotional void, perpetuating a cycle of disconnection and self-doubt." Over time, these behaviours erode self-esteem, disconnecting us from our true selves. Healing requires retaining a strong sense of self and aligning our decisions with our authentic desires, rather than seeking external validation. Reclaiming our power involves shifting from relying on others for approval to offering that approval to ourselves.

By expanding our awareness and understanding our triggers, we can begin to break the cycle of self-rejection and abandonment. Self-trust is the foundation of true healing and independence. Learning to treat ourselves with the same compassion we offer a close friend is essential. Dr. Neff encourages us to practice self-compassion: “Self-compassion is not self-pity or self-indulgence. It is the practice of treating ourselves with warmth, acceptance, and understanding, especially during times of struggle.” By embracing our imperfections and meeting our emotional needs with care, we can begin to heal and break free from these destructive patterns.